Anonymous asked: Ok, I just found this blog and I wanted to say thank you SO MUCH for your commentary re: kink and sexuality and identity. I knew I was kinky and "weird" from a young age, and stumbled on the fact that I was bi/pansexual and agender later. Frankly the latter was less revelatory. There's absolutely no way for me to disentangle my sense of being queer from the rest of my sexuality; the queerest part of me is my kink. That shouldn't require validation by my sexual orientation or gender. [end rant]
I’m glad I could be of some help, Anon. Thanks for telling me about your journey.
Becoming who I am has been a process, too, and I am going to blab about it now because I suddenly have a sheaf of new followers. I knew I was queer from first grade onward; I came across the word in a book and went round telling everyone that’s what I was until a teacher told me to stop. She shouldn’t have; I was right.
I figured out I was “bisexual” (the only term other than “straight” or “gay” available at the time) at the age of 15 by keeping track of who I was attracted to for six months. My results were confounded by the introduction of my cousin’s friend Andy, a Two-Spirit (non-binary and in this case intersex) individual she’d met in college in Colorado.
Badly lost at sea, I sought out some MORE books and discovered lesbian-separatist feminism. I tried to sign on for that, drawn by the appeal of being Right rather than simply Weird for once in my life. To my sorrow, I learnt that yes, Virginia, there are queer puritans. Those women were every bit as proscriptive, restrictive, and dogmatic as Cotton Mather. I tried to deny my attraction to men, my kinky desires, and especially my identification with some aspects of manhood. No dice.
A lot of things happened, but the most notable was that I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time at 17. The sight of Frank’n’Furter stopped my heart and started it again, beating differently, while the phrase “don’t dream it, be it” was welded into my soul. I set out to be who and what I wanted to be, and to Hell with the haters.
In college, I started exploring sex; all kinds of sex, with all kinds of people. I came out as trans, which I had been led to understand would effectively end my sex life. It didn’t; the sex just got better as the person my lovers saw came into line with the person I wanted to be.
Now I’m 34, and still working on being who I want to be. I’m trying to get a job in a science museum after having worked for a decade and change in biotech, I recently started taking testosterone so that the entire world will see me for who I am (sleeping with everyone to bring them round to my point of view was taking too long), and my partner Jess and I are planning to set up housekeeping with her other partner, Duchess, preparatory to adopting some kids. Being who I am is a work in progress, but I’ve got to say it seems to be going all right.